He fell.

In memory of Theo Sassano - a friend I never had.

He fell. Not that he feel in love with her, although that was also true, but he fell from high down to the ground. The body was found within 8 hours of suicide. How? - well that's the part which not many people know about. The facts known to us are those which can be told by a quite interesting, rather delicate man - Alisher. I must apologize if what I have written above seems confusing (or nonsense!) - let me start from an appropriate time.

Saturday, first day of the weekend. He didn't have many things to do. In fact he had things to do but not the will nor want for doing them. All he wanted was to forget his past love and find out what kind of future may have been brought by the girl he met in the airport. He met her for the first time in Incheon at the end of summer, just before the academic semester began. It was, or seemed to be, just another welcoming to him. He welcomed his other country-mates on the last few days - he thought she was just another girl from the same country. Yet he had to change his mind when at the end of a long bus drive he said bye to her. Not that he wanted to say bye, but he had to.

Presently he received a text from her. "Alisher" it said and nothing else. He expected some serious conversation to begin as he was not called by his first name much often. "Yes" - he replied. There followed a picture from her side. Picture of a lover letter, it seemed. Not to him - no, no! How ridiculous the idea is! But to her, from someone else. He could not resist feeling jealous, even though he had no right for it. But then he saw it. There was a part in the letter indicating intentions of suicide! He now understood. It was not a foolish or childish love letter by some teenager. It was the finals words of someone who cared for her and was now going to commit the dreadful act. He quickly got up, rushed to her dorm, picked up the letter and delivered it to police emergency center on university campus. It was not easy to break peaceful dinner Korean police officers were having and explain the possible act of suicide that's yet to happen (or already happened!). But that was the only way he knew. After spending about half an hour to get on the same page with police officers there finally came a time for action. They called the nearest police station and within the next hour the campus was being patroled by several police cars. He even caused one of the ladies in charge of international students to get bothered and immediately arrive on the campus. Now the forces were joined - all searching for Theo. If only somebody knew his phone number it would be much quicker to track his location; but on that matter they had no luck. Instead, he had to look through the camera footages and find out Theo's last movements recorded. He felt like a detective at that moment and understood it's not a job as enjoyable as he imagined. Something else he learned that day was how a person who's going to commit a suicide can be so calm from outside, look completely normal among others.

Theo couldn't be found for a long while (at least that's what it felt like). He and the girl were told to go back to their dorms, report if Theo contacts and wait for updates. But how could they wait? He invited her for a walk. He didn't want to leave her alone in a situation like this. They had a long walk and for some reason they both were in a completely normal state, from what he could tell, that is. Later they departed to own dorms and he was now alone. He could now sit and comprehend what really happened just moments ago. The campus and even some outer parts of it now had unusually many police and service cars going around. And here he was - just sitting in his comfortable chair like nothing happened. But something did happen! Something happened inside - a change that's hard to notice, even by himself. A part of him now started to ask "Why?". He was sitting there asking himself questions like "Why did he do it?", "Why him?", "Why her?", "Why me?"... He did a bit of internet search about Theo. He didn't know about him at all (except his name) until that day. But now he felt like they were close friends sharing similar interests. Maybe they could've been. Maybe...

It was around 2AM when the long-awaited phone call was received. From that lady in charge of international students. Her voice was already telling the news even before she put them into words - Theo was found and he regretfully was not among the living anymore. He tried to soothe the lady and deliver sympathy - not sure if he could really do it. But now came the difficult part - how in the world was he going to let the girl know about this dreadful and unfortunate truth? He thought he should tell this to her in-person. In case she reacts with some dangerous act he would be there to prevent it. And he somehow did tell. He somehow managed to be the "black raven". It was over now, he thought. Yet it was not. After reflecting a bit on the matter he thought he should now care for the living - what's done was done; but the girl was still alive and vulnerable - she needed support. He was ready to be that support. He did his best - at least the best he could do, sometimes making her feel worse as opposed to his actual purpose. But he wasn't really a qualified expert afterall.

Days passed. Email were received. Counseling sessions were scheduled. And here he was - sitting and listening to a PhD psychologist while she was describing how people react to these kind of suicides and some other things (must have been important though I can't recall them). He was keeping a normal and smiling attitude. In fact he was attending this counseling session just because he didn't want to disrespect the ones who scheduled it for him. But then he carried on like it was nothing, from outside, that is. He showed decent academic results, managed to secure a year-long part-time work contract, learned Korean well enough and so on and so forth. But the questions remained unanswered: "Why did Theo do it?". He is still searching for the answer. You may laugh at the fact that he doesn't actually ask these questions from anyone. What he instead tries to do is find the answer himself - gather experiences and somehow make sense out of it. Another method he thought of to find the answer was to put himself in the shoes of Theo. But he finds this a dangerous task to carry out. Better safe than sorry. What good is an answer if in the end he ends up committing the act himself? - leaving more people with the same bothering question: "Why did he do it?".